Tim Cook reckons the “personal Siri” only half-baked

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple’s much-hyped “Apple Intelligence” revamp of Siri is struggling to remember its lines, with company boss Tim Cook telling the cocaine nose jobs of Wall Street that it is still nowhere near ready for showtime.

Tariffs push Job’s Mob to double down on Indian production

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple is scrambling to shift all US-bound iPhone assembly to India by 2026, as US tariff tantrums make China too hot to handle.

UBS and Gartner slash forecasts

Beancounters at UBS and Gartner have added up some numbers and divided by their shoe size and reduced their PC and smartphone market forecasts, citing “mounting pressures from trade tariffs and broader macroeconomic uncertainties” that will hammer consumer demand through 2026.

You can't say something is intelligent when it isn't 

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple has quietly walked back its “available now” claim about its Apple Intelligence features after the National Advertising Division gave it a sharp nudge for being a bit too enthusiastic with the truth.

Seventh straight quarter of decline as punters pick cheaper gear

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple is finding out the hard way that what goes up must come down—especially in China. Its shiny iPhones are still losing traction, with shipments dropping nine per cent in the first quarter of 2025.

Tariff panic sends iPhone punters scrambling

The cocaine nose jobs of Wall Street barely had time to flinch before punters started storming Job’s Mob’s stores, fearing price spikes after Donald [hamburger-eating surrender monkey] Trump’s latest tariff tantrum.

iOS 18.4 "feature" shoves Chinese games onto iPhones without asking

Some iPhone users updating to iOS 18.4 are getting more than they bargained for—namely, surprise apps appearing on their Home Screens, including dubious-looking games like Cooking Mama and Squid Game knockoffs.

Looks the bromance is off

Donald [hamburger-eating surrender monkey] Trump has slammed a monster 46 per cent tariff on regions key to the Fruity Cargo Cult Apple’s global production chain, driving up the price of iPhones, Macs, and just about everything else shiny and expensive.

It seems the intelligent thing to do

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple has once again decided it knows better than its users. With its latest iOS 18.3.2 update, it’s quietly forcing Apple Intelligence back on—even if Apple fanboys told it to sod off.

Appocalypse now

Job’s Mob is in deep trouble and even its biggest fanboys are starting to smell the rot.