... with a keyboard that fights crumbs

Fruity cargo cult Apple, which is having huge problems with coming up with anything new, has developed a keyboard which can see off humanity's greatest enemy – the crumb.

It could not happen to a nicer multinational

Apple is about to lose its crown as the world's most valuable publicly listed company and will be beaten by Amazon.com to the $1 trillion mark.

Tame Apple Press commemorates Steve Jobs' brilliance

Desperate that its favourite toymaker seems unable to come up with new products, the Tame Apple Press has gone all nostalgic about something Apple did in 1989.

Finally, it has realised how bad it is

Someone in the Apple spaceship has finally realised that its iTunes product is rubbish and probably can't be saved.

So much for security

A two year old has managed to lock his mum out of her iPhone for 48 years thanks to Apple's super secure worth every penny form of security.

Claims they will sound better

Apple's recent move into the speaker market has shown that it can convince stupid people that it can make "high-quality"  hi-end sound equipment and now it thinks it can make the same move on the headphone market.

Soon everyone will have a nose as thin, flat and as useless as an iPhone

As Steve Jobs lay dying, his last project was a super-cool headquarters where his staff could beaver away in his absence.

Employees hurt

A problem with the design of glass at Apple's HQ has led to three employees being sufficiently hurt that they needed urgent medical treatment.

Jobs' Mob would never do an Imagination on us

Dialog Semiconductor expects Apple to use its chips for a significant proportion of its devices in 2019 and 2020 and has no fears that Jobs' Mob will dump it like Imagination, and invent its own chips.

Exclusive: They will wait

After months of investigation we can report with a high level of certainty that Apple doesn’t plan to have 5G capabilities in an iPhone in 2019.