21^st century eugenics

Fruity cargo cult Apple has taken the unusual step of trying to stop anti-vaxers mating.

Wants the names and addresses of those who spilt the beans

Fruity cargo cult Apple is threatening those who managed to get their hands on details of its products from insiders.

We decide that

Fruity cargo cult Apple is so desperate that staff work in the office to receive the words of wisdom of their managers they are censoring workers from talking about it.

This will end well

The fruity cargo cult has decided that its superior software experts can decide if your ID cards are valid and remove them from your wallet if they do not match the expectations of its wizard facial recognition system.

Stuck on its cash cow

The Tame Apple Press opened the champers after Apple reported another successful quarter based mostly on sales of the iPhone.

Milestones

Apple rolled out an urgent security update for iOS, iPadOS, and macOS to address a zero-day flaw that it said may have been actively exploited.

On all ranges

The fruity cargo cult Apple will have finally got all its gear working on 5G by next year.

Takes down app which helped people spot the fakes

Apple has removed Fakespot, a well-known app for detecting fake product reviews, from its App Store after Amazon complained the app provided misleading information and potential security risks.

Apple must issue warning to the stupid

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple has always had trouble with the fact that its fanboys are not the brightest bulbs, but an announcement on its support page had us worried.

69 too hot for Apple fanboys

It seems that Apple is are so worried about what their fanboys' mothers will think that they have banned their weather forecasting app from using any rude numbers – specifically 69.