Reports suggest Starlink could rake in anywhere from $10 billion to $20 billion thanks to the new rules, ensuring that satellite internet gets a hefty slice of the taxpayer-funded pie.

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick wasted no time in slagging off the Biden administration's handling of the Broadband Equity, Access, and Deployment (BEAD) program, claiming it had failed to connect "a single person to the Internet" due to "woke mandates" and "burdensome regulations."

The scheme, greenlit by Congress back in November 2021, was well underway before Donald [hamburger-eating surrender monkey] Trump retook office, with states already having their funding plans rubber-stamped. But it's been in limbo since the administration swap, as Senator Ted Cruz and his fellow right-wingers demanded rule changes.

Cruz wants to kill off the fibre preference and scrap requirements that force ISPs to get government cash to offer affordable broadband to low-income households.

He also has a bone to pick with "unionised workforce and DEI labour requirements; climate change assessments; high per-location costs; and other central planning mandates"—because heaven forbid broadband should be useful to people who need it most.

Lutnick announced that the Trump administration will remove Biden-era rules and replace them with "tech-neutral" policies that allegedly prioritise cost efficiency.

"The Department is ripping out the Biden Administration's pointless requirements," he said, vowing to cut "government red tape" and fast-track implementation.

He insists that the goal is to deliver high-speed internet "efficiently and effectively at the lowest cost to taxpayers"—though whether that means better connectivity or just more handouts to Musk remains to be seen.