Have faith in our marketing claims

The fruity tax-dodging cargo cult Apple has a novel way of stopping its users from finding out the truth about its bogus marketing claims about battery life – it has stripped the iOS from any method of measuring it.

BeatsX goes the Duke Nukem way

After forcing its iPhone users to dump their headphone jacks, Apple has been rubbish at supplying them with wireless phones that work.

Can't get them to go in time for Christmas 

The Tame Apple Press is shocked that Apple can’t get its overpriced cordless Airpad headphones into the shops in time for Christmas.

Follower of the pack

A report said that the Samsung Galaxy S8 will feature a screen without home buttons on it.

So remove any air from your environment

The Fruity tax-dodging cargo cult Apple is blaming the air for a fault which causes the iPhone 6 to shut down.

Rounded rectangle was not that important

The US Supreme Court has told the fruity cargo cult Apple to go away and backed Samsung in the legendary trademark battle over the rounded rectangle smartphone.

No recall just denies it is happening

Apple’s iPhone 6 has started catching fire in the Far East, but rather than arranging a recall, like its rival Samsung, Jobs’ Mob is denying that it is happening.

Apple fails miserably, despite cuckoo press stories 

You might not be aware of it, because the Tame Apple Press is going on an offensive, but Apple is losing the wearable’s market to Fitbit.

The experiment did not work

The fruity cargo-cult Apple is rumoured to be having second thoughts about its relationship with Intel and is starting to regret its decision to install Intel modems in half its iPhone 7s.

Did not mention how

Fruity cargo-cult Apple has written to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration claiming that it is still interested in making self-driving cars.